10 TYPES OF MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP – Part 1.
For the pass few weeks, I realizes
many of my friends experiencing marriage stresses, tough patches and problem in
their marriages. You can be as young as 30 or 65 years old, problem in your
marriage probably will come calling without advance notice.
In an attempt to understand what
went wrong, let us look at what Carmen Lynch F.M.C.C a family therapist in San Francisco
describe in her talk in which Victor Daniels Professor of Psychology of Sonoma
State University agreed and made additional to the typology of marriage
pattern.
Maybe by having more understanding
and heighten on our awareness of what are we doing in a marriage and how we are
handling it, may bring us more harmonious and probably be able to nurture and
nourish the marriage to be more positive direction.
According to this typology, there
are 2 categories of pattern in a marriage.
1.
Dominant Pattern – which usually has a longer marriage of more than 2
years
1. Survival
Relationship is where we often hear that partner has the need to attach to the person,
as it is from this basis that they feel “they are somebody” or “they are where
they are because of their partner”. The
need for the partner to survive can be in the form of financial, emotional or
even physical. They crave the attention and their fear of losing this form of
caring might bring about them being physically being abuse as they have little
faith and form in their own personal boundaries of what is being deem right or
wrong. Partner of such often have no confident for being alone and little
changes from routine in the marriage will be look on as a threat.
They are so afraid to be left alone
and when they wanted to move from one relationship to another, they make sure
they have a place to hop onto immediately.
Usually this
relationship can be strong and long as long as the partner can fully provide
the feel of care and constant attention with rigid routine to the marriage.
Some will find these marriages very much time consuming, irritating, obsessive
or possessive in nature.
Therapy for survival relationship
will have to identify the needs that need to be full filled, how do you develop
way to self support your simple need, how and at which point the partner coming
into your life, how can your partner provide the support that you expect from
this relationship and how will you survive in the event of ending of the
relationship.
2. Validation
relationship on is a relationship based on what one can see or tangible
properties of the person. Physical
attraction, money, social status, sexuality and intellect are what these
relationship seeker are looking at. Because of these relationship are ignited
base on flimsy and outwardly perceived by the partner, it is often cannot not
form a strong base and is constantly create a doubtful and insecure sense their
partner feel for them.
The partner tends to project the
picture of what is being wanted or wished by their partner and is constantly mold
to the direction of the partner.
With the
maturity of the relationship, one partner might grow to realize that in actual
fact what is being expected from earlier on is not being delivery. The partner
will feel betray, cheated or lead on into the relationship. Anger and
frustration is a common feature in this relationship and argument mainly center
of how their partner is not the one that they known earlier.
Therapy on this form of relationship
will be looking and discover more of the common ground that bought them
together in the first place and how to move forward to grow and accommodate
each other genuine needs and direction.
3.
Scripted
Relationship is the classic of sweetheart or “have know each other for ages” or
comment of others of their compatibility and they fitted each other like a
jelly mould. Both of them study at the same school, come from similar
background, have almost the same set of friends, their parents give the thumb
up, they share the same life path and they are a fitting pair.
As the relationship mature, both
learn to do the right things; he hold the right job, the wife is the right kind
of wife, they stay in the right kind of accommodation, the right kind of social
activities and enjoy the right view and comment from others.
Both of them live their life out of
expectation of others and their constant need to please and maintained this
happy and successful marriage, family and partnership eventual might create
friction in their life. They might feel more like a chores rather than an
emotional and physically full filling relationship.
Argument center mainly on how well
they can arrange their life at the best of their abilities to full filled the illusion
of the perfect family often form a power struggle in this relationship.
Sometimes solving issue is no longer the priority but who rally “win” in the argument.
Mistake which is century old are often replay again and again even on minor
disagreement which eventually snowball into a major shouting match.
Due to all the rigid and regimented
lifestyle, individually can be disappearing from the relationship. Both parties
have their set of duties and each of them can slowly and comfortably become
invisible in their very own household. Both of them still live and stay under the
same roof but emotionally and physically they are individual. Their common
interest and goal is the project the expected view and picture of their family
with their duties of caring for their children.
Often it will not be surprised to see
partnership of such category ended up in divorce after 25 years of marriage; mostly when their
children are all gown up and independent on their own. Without any common
expected form of assignment, they is suddenly feel free to expand outwardly and
found element of attraction that bring them out of such partnership. Most of the
time if they split-up is due to affair or extra-marital affair as these system
of relation does not provide opportunity for them to discuss about their
relationship at all. Many of this break-up are painful heartache and sometimes
partner just don’t understand why.
Therapy
usually focus on how both parties can develop their view further beside what is
expected of them to do, their understanding of each other interest, develop
tolerant view of each other, respect and implement ideas of their partners,
putting down their defensive nature and have an open mind in all their discussion.
4. Acceptance
relationship is what everyone one of us thought and assume that we are here,
including people from the 3 categories listed above. In his relationship we are
equal, we trust, we support, we develop, we walk, we think and we enjoy with
each other. Even though we are together we, did not loose out own identity and
we understand our limit in the relationship and will not push our self out of
these boundaries.
Here,
partners will refrain from creating situation, which erode each other trust,
stresses your support, strain your development, halt your walk and stop all
enjoyment of each other.
5. Individual
assertion relationship is where each partners assert their own want, desire,
limitation and idea in which each give the support to each with respect of each
other personal growth. Partner usually focus on motivating, encouraging and
support in each other personal development as well developing other
potentialities and acknowledge each other limitation.
Roles and
boundaries are more flexible as each encourages each other to fight and move
forward in their personal capacity without much restrains and worries of their
partnership be in crisis. They trust each other and give rooms for each other
to expand themselves to what each will like it to be.
They respect
each other and acknowledge their differences which both might not need to share
the same common activities but still can live in the company of each other in
harmony. They might not have similarity in most subject but they have a common
problem solve mechanism in which bought about a lot of flexibility in their
relationship. They deal more into looking of how “feel” on the whole in term of
decision making and work on the best solution that usually might not be a
conventional solution.
Look out for
Part 2 next week on the discussion of “Collateral Relationships”.
